Buckle Up!

Reposted from MySpace blog...originally dated 1/1/06
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If you have small-ish children, you have probably been at the grocery store and had to listen to the pleadings of such innocents for the chance to get one of the special grocery carts that has a front that looks like a car. While these carts ARE rather cool looking, I have a few misgivings about them.First of all, if you have a family of more than 3 and you plan on buying more than a box of cheap wine, some frozen peas and a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, forget it. You won't be able to fit much more than that. However, if you opt for the larger, more traditional style cart, you still won't be able to get much more because your toddler will be laying in the large part of said vehicle throwing a fit because he/she didn't get the car cart while you have the little passenger area for your groceries.

Then there's the size of the overall piece of machinery. Good God!! If you want to turn one of these babies around in an aisle, forget it. You can't even do a 3-point turn with one of them. Maybe a 5-8 - point turn but I've got a ribbon for anyone that can do a three. Worse yet is when you encounter oncoming traffic in an aisle. Thank goodness there are no side mirrors to deal with is all I have to say about that. Come to think of it, though, they probably wouldn't be a bad idea. You might as well forget about navigating the bakery section in any Safeway, too. You'll have to leave your child out there on the perimeter while you weave your way through the croissants and turnovers on foot.

Third, these things are a pain in my post pregnancy ass to "drive". Personally, I think there should be a manual, written and driving test before anyone should be able to get behind the the handlebar of one of these things. I suggest setting up a small study/testing area near the bakery area. I myself study better when I have a snack so they could make a few extra bucks off me while I'm there. Throw in a coffee bar right there and I may even purposely fail my test a few times just to hang out with the other moms for muffins and lattes in the morning. We could giggle and talk about boys and the clothing we used to be able to wear. Then it's off for practice on a course in the parking lot with those screaming orange traffic cones and obstacles that one must manuever around. You would have an instructor with you, of course, that would have a handlebar of his/her own and would bark instructions at you.

Finally, the main thing to remember about these behemoths is that they are rear-wheel drive rather than all-wheel like we're used to - something no one ever tells you until you crash into an endcap display of the place setting of the week right in front of the store manager (God save you if your little one's hands or arms are outside of the vehicle at the time because you may have to have something amputated). The only problem being is that, when sitting around by themselves with no one in them, you will notice that not all wheels rest solidly on the ground! The center set of wheels are actually lower so that, when you place your darling little Richard Petty in the driver's seat, the REAR wheels come off the ground rendering you and your steering ability completely hopeless. Honestly, I think they do this on purpose and then watch us from their little bubble cams in the ceiling and laugh.

So, there you have it. Probably better off spending money on a babysitter and going to the store alone really. If you do venture into the wide open world of grocery store Nascar, do remember this...if you've done your job right and buckled up your child everytime you get into your real vehicle, you WILL be yelled at by your angel if you dare to take off into the produce section without first letting him/her buckle up. At first I thought that was cute - he wanted to follow the safety rules he had been taught. Then I experienced all of the above and realized the beansprout was probably smarter than I was. "The fruit zone is for loading and unloading only. Please keep all hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times. Should we experience a water landing..."