My Gram Is Dying

Originally posted 1/26/06; Gram passed close to a month after this being written. She would've turned 94 a couple of weeks ago. Gosh, I miss her.
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Life can be a real bitch sometimes. Watching someone you love die is worse. My gram is dying and I have to go say goodbye. How do you do that??? It's been nearly a year since I've seen her. Was in NY for her 90th birthday last March. She always said she would live to be 100 and we never doubted her. Cancer sucks.

My gram is a jewel. She is full of love and wrinkles. She is shorter than me and I love that. She holds your face with both hands when she kisses you. She rubs noses. She watches clouds and she's the best at it. She is full of mischief. She thinks she has a sister. She doesn't. She thinks the lady that takes care of her is nice. It's one of her own granddaughters and she doesn't remember her. She took me to Disneyworld when I was 12. Just me and her. She went on every ride with me and I still have the stuffed Thumper that she bought me. She is cool. Before Barry and I got married, she told me that we could live together as long as we wanted without getting married and even have babies and that was OK. My gram rocks. She tells the best stories. Even when she's talking nonsense. She helped me make my first snowman. I was 2 and it leaned to the side something awful but I have a picture of us with it just the same. When I was 2 she put a ball of yellow play-doh and a ball of blue play-doh in the can together and we closed it up tight right before I went to bed. In the morning there was a ball of green in there. My gram is magic, you know. My gram is dying and I have to say goodbye to her. My gram is the color pink when it is soft and and smells sweet. She is radiant when she wears that color. She is radiant even when she's wearing something else. My gram would fight tigers to protect her family. But she can't now. She loves ice cream. A lot. Me, too. She has the Hartman nose. So does my son Ryan. My gram loved my dad something fierce and misses him so much. So do I. She has grace and style like no woman I have ever met or heard of. She has a laugh that makes fairies giggle. She makes everyone that meets her fall in love with who she is. She's just that way. My gram is dying and I have to say goodbye to her. I don't even know if she'll know who I am.

Losing someone precious is like having your guts torn out. I leave on Sunday to fly east. I will have five days to tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me and how much I will miss her. How much I'm thankful for who she is and who she's made me. How do you say that to someone that doesn't even know you?